This is My Life

For several months now, I have wanted to start a blog to share about the journey Mike and I have been on to have a baby. I am not the gifted writer that my husband is, so I agonize over every word that I want to write. I constantly change my mind about what I should say and how I should say it. There are many reasons that I have struggled with opening up to share my story, but really it all boils down to one thing - fear. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable. I am afraid of what you might think of me. I am afraid to share my grief. I am afraid to burden you with my pain. I am afraid to confess my doubts. I am afraid to admit the many mistakes I have made. I am afraid to let you see the bad and the ugly that goes along with the good.

So what has changed? Why have I finally decided to take a leap of faith and openly write about my experiences? Because the Lord has recently challenged me to be BOLD for Him. To talk about my relationship with Him. To share about His goodness, His power, His mercy and His love. To give Him the glory for the countless ways He is working in my life each and every day. And I have learned this year that when God calls, He equips. And just this week He gave me the encouragement that I need to accept His challenge. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. . ." (Deuteronomy 31:6).

In writing this blog I want it to be, in a sense, a personal journal for me. A record of my experiences. An outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. I know that reading about sorrow and loss is going to be a downer, but this is my life. This is my reality. No matter how good my day is, and I assure you I have many of them, there is not one 24 hour period that goes by that the loss of my daughters and the inability to have another child does not play a role in what I think, what I say, or what I do. For better or for worse, these experiences have shaped the person that I have become. They go with me hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year.

As I stated above, I also want this blog to be a place where I can share with other people about my relationship with the Lord. I know there is purpose and there is good that will come from the trials I am facing, and one of the things I have already found is looking for ways to encourage others. In 2 Corinthians 1:4 Paul tells us that God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." You would not believe the amount of strength, peace, comfort and hope that God has given to me, and I want to give it to you! By no means do I claim to have all the answers, or even a good answers. Nor do I know the best way to handle the loss of a child, infertility, or any other difficulties in life. But what I can pass along are the ways God has shown Himself to me and how He is speaking to me through His word.

Lastly, through this blog I want to humbly ask you, family and friends, to come along beside Mike and me and walk with us on this journey, for we do not want to travel down this path on our own. Share in our joys and our hardships. Laugh with us and cry with us. Be our supporters and our prayer warriors. See the mighty hand of God at work in our lives. Expect great things from Him who "is able to do immensely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in us" (Ephesians 3:20).