Peace Through Pain

One of the hardest things for me about our journey through infertility and loss is not having any answers as to why we do not have a baby.


We do not know why we lost the twins.

We do not know why I cannot get pregnant again.

We do not know why I miscarried our third baby.


The standard response that we get from the doctors is "These things just happen."


But even more distressing than not having answers from doctors, is not having answers from God.


Over the past two and a half years I have cried out to Him, begging for just a hint of understanding as to why His plan for our lives has brought us so much pain. I want to know why God did not miraculously save our girls, as I know He has the power to do. I want God to reveal to me why He has chosen for us to travel down this miserable road of infertility, when we know that physically I am able to get pregnant. And I desperately want to comprehend why God blessed us with a second chance to be parents, only to take it away again.


With all my heart I desire to believe that God's plan for us is good and perfect, but as we endure disappointment after disappointment, it has become harder and harder to accept, especially without a tangible understanding as to why these things have happened.

But I know that just because God has not given me the answers that I have wanted, it does not mean that He has not answered me when I have called out to Him. The Lord has chosen to give me the answers that He thinks are best. The answers that He knows I need. God has revealed to me that my pain is a way to bring me closer to Him. As I grieve, He has let me know that my only peace and comfort will come from Him. In my suffering, the Lord has showed me my desperate need for Him. And through trials, God has proven Himself to me over and over again.

While I have been searching for human truth, God has given me His Truth. And when seen through eyes that are filled with the Holy Spirit, it is even more valuable than the responses I thought I needed.

Recently though, the Lord in His graciousness gave me a gift. Something that my human mind can put in a box and wrap with a bow. A piece of my journey that I can finally understand. A tangible reason as to why I am not pregnant.

You see, last week I found out that my health insurance has been cancelled. (If you think that is bad, just wait.) It was cancelled in September, only I am just finding out about it several months later. As I was ranting to my mother-in-law about the hundreds of catastrophes that could have happened to me while I was without health insurance and the dire shape Mike and I would be in if we were held financially responsible, she gently reminded me of what else happened in September. Do you remember?

It was in September that we got negative results from our second IUI. God knew what lay ahead. And what I thought at the time was another disappointment, I am now able to see as God's loving protection over us.


While this certainly doesn't explain why I haven't conceived the other 30 times we have tried, it was something. That small glimpse of tangible understanding that the Lord gave me was just enough to sustain my peace. It was just enough to renew my faith. It was just enough to restore my hope.

And God was so generous to also place on my heart this verse to encourage me during times such as these when I struggle with not understanding His plan for me.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6